Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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