Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
