Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
