Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
