there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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