im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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