I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
