One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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