just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
