I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
