I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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