How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You can't special order awesome
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
People in love make me want to vomit
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
