i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
