All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
