i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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