Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
