No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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