I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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