I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
