When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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