he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
