my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
