i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize