I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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