Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's a Shit stain on my heart
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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