I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
