I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
