it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
