Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
