you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
lets start a swedish sibling band together
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
