There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
