Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
