Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
