Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
