I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
