She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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