I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize