dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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