hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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