His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
