apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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