I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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