I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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