Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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