FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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