how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
