I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
