fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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