How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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