hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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