I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
