I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
