There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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