Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
