dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
