Already got asked if we're dating
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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