high people should be assigned attendants
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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