the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
