70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
