I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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